Trump 2: You know, I don’t give many interviews.
Trump 1: I know we don’t. Thank you for making the time for you.
Trump 2: Who knows me better than me?
Trump 1: Okay, this is what we do: I play the press or some other thing that’s found under a big, fat rock for this practice interview, and you, you just can just be you this time.
Trump 2: I am always me. But there is a lot of me. Wait! Why would you want to be the press? Have you no loyalty?
Trump 1: Consider it a sacrifice so we can be totally, totally prepared to Make America Gasp Again.
Trump 2: You used the word sacrifice. I don’t do sacrifice. Other people might do sacrifice. I don’t do sacrifice.
Trump 1: We are we, so I totally agree. Shall we start?
Trump 2: You are so gonna lose.
Trump 1: You already lost, because I am always the winner. Always. Here we go:
* * *
Trump 1: Mr. President! Mr. President!
Trump 2: Yes, uh, Me. What is your question?
Trump 1: What are you going to do about Puerto Rico? You promised to help them weeks ago.
Trump 2: I’m from New York. I know all about Puerto Ricans. Send them back to their own country.
Trump 1: This IS their own country.
Trump 2: Who did that without asking me? (Somebody find that out right now…) Next question!
Trump 1: What were you thinking when you made that deal with Chuck and Nancy?
Trump 2: That’s old news. Like a hundred years old.
Trump 1: Well, what about that deal?
Trump 2: They only think I made a deal with them.
Trump 1: What if they’re playing you?
Trump 2: I’m the only player. I am. I’m the one who plays. Besides, a deal is a deal (until it’s not). THAT’S the art of the deal.
Trump 1: I think that’s called lying.
Trump 2: You have a question in there somewhere?
Trump 1: Yes, I do. The question is about lying…
Trump 2: It doesn’t matter – LOOK HOW RICH I AM! LOOK!
Trump 1: (chuckle, sigh) Okay…Now that is a great, great answer – stopped me cold.
Trump 2: Thank you. I like it, it works all the time. Every time. It’s amazing. Okay, give me the next one. Make it hard…
Trump 1: Do you like your job?
Trump 2: Who doesn’t like being King?
Trump 1: The United States doesn’t have a King.
Trump 2: That’s what they think. Only Kings can take away Science, and Medicine and promise poor people what they want to hear in order to make the King and his very close personal friends even richer. What kind of president can do that? I must be King.
Trump 1: You must be a lot of things in your head.
Trump 2: You can’t imagine. And that’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh I like it (that’s the way…!)
Trump 1: How long have you been a singer?
Trump 2: Forever.
Trump 1: You should do it more… Here’s the next question:
Trump 1: What do you think of the Weinstein mess?
Trump 2: A good man. I think I’ll make him Secretary of something.
Trump 1: People won’t like that.
Trump 2: What people? The women people? Next question.
Trump 1: That’s awful. What would women say?
Trump 2: Ask Melania.
Trump 1: Uh…she doesn’t really say anything.
Trump 2: See? You have to know how to pick them.
Trump 1: You really are deplorable.
Trump 2: Good try. Didn’t work last year, doesn’t work now, and that’s because we’ve been so very successful: listen to me very, very carefully – SO very successful in everything we’ve done since we came to Washington to Blame the Swamp.
Trump 1: Drain the swamp…?
Trump 2: What? No. Blame the swamp! Blame it! You can blame the swamp, and still not drain the swamp: These are my people after all! That way everyone thinks you’re doing something when you’re really not – that’s also the art of the deal.
Trump 1: You think people don’t see what you’re doing?
Trump 2: Look, there’s a sucker born every minute. That and people only hear what they want to hear. So I tell the suckers what they want to hear. It’s a service actually. I should charge, but I don’t. It’s worth a lot of money, I can tell you that, but I don’t charge. This way everyone is so much happier. I make a happier world everywhere I go.
Trump 1: Not everyone believes what you say…
Trump 2: People believe what I tell them. I see it all over the place where I travel. People believe me.
Trump 1: Where do you travel?
Trump 2: Where I go.
Trump 1: And…?
Trump 2: Where I go, people believe me.
Trump 1: Actually many polls say a lot of people don’t believe what you say.
Trump 2: Polls: WRONG! Left-Wing media: WRONG! Those people didn’t elect me King. Those are not my people.
Trump 1: But the King is king to all people
Trump 2: Where does it say that? Show me. Show me the paper that says that. No. Not in my country. What I say goes. Now get the hell out of my head.
Trump 1: I am your head.
Trump 2: You are? I forgot. Then who are all these other people that talk at me every day?
Trump 1: They’re your advisors, your Cabinet.
Trump 2: I don’t need advisors – I only need me. Those bastards lie and backstab me and are out to get me. I am the King! I am giving them everything! Everything! How could they be that way?
Trump 1: Leadership does come from the top, because the top is where the leaders are: Just look at you and me!
Trump 2: We are at the top of the king pile, aren’t we? Hey, what are those down there?
Trump 1: Ants?
Trump 2: Exactly. But why are my ants out to get me?
Trump 1: I don’t know. Maybe everything but the index in “The Art of the Deal” has something to do with it.
Trump 2: They read my book? Well, that’s different: I’ll stand by them forever (until it doesn’t suit me). Then I have to be me, and let them go free….
Trump 1: You need to front a band.
Trump 2: I could do that. It would be very successful.
Trump 1: We would succeed with a great deal of incredible success!
Trump 2: That’s enough for now. Back to work. I have some civilization to subvert. It’s a lot to get it in between golf, but I do what I can. And what did you say your name was again?
Trump 1: Brutus.
Trump 2: Ah! Great name. Reminds me of Popeye, and Brutus, he was that hamburger guy, right? “I will gladly pay you on Tuesday for a hamburger that I will eat today.” My kinda guy…Brutus.
Trump 1: Oh yes. Sure… That’s the one…exactly. Say, what do you know about ancient Rome?
Trump 2: It’s in Rome.
Trump 1: Yes, that is so true. Okay then, we’ll be in touch.
Trump 2: Great Brutus! Make it a surprise!
Trump 1: Guaranteed!
• • •
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