Our HOST sits at a desk shuffling papers. He looks up into the camera.
HOST: Welcome to “The Questionable Show.” I’ll bet you’re wondering: “Am I really welcome?”
He turns –
HOST (cont’d): What is enlightenment? Is it possible to achieve it? Jonas Pinkerton, the bestselling author of “Instant Expertise Today,” “Practical Procrastination,” and founder of the blockbuster self-help seminars “One-Minute Work Week,” is with us today to discuss his newest bestseller…
ON JONAS: new-agey author – nodding off, but not quite.
HOST (cont’d) (O.S.):… “The Sleep Deprivation Handbook of Enlightenment.” Welcome Jonas!
No response.
HOST (cont’d): Jonas?
Jonas stirs.
JONAS: Huh? What? Ah. Thanks for having me. You know this is a project I’ve been working on for a long time…
HOST: How did it start?
JONAS: No-Doz coupled with espresso and Red Bull.
HOST: That’s a heady mix.
JONAS: Not unless you overdo it.
HOST: I see.
JONAS: Nope, No you don’t. You sleep far too much to see it. We all do.
HOST: Well, can you tell us what enlightenment is?
JONAS: The purpose of enlightenment is to lose your ego and your attachment to things. And sleep deprivation can help you lose all this and a whole lot more.
(beat)
It starts with, say, losing your keys. Then you lose your mind looking for your keys. Then you lose your way back to your apartment. And eventually you lose your ego because you crawled into the backseat of your car and decided to go to sleep in the clothes you’ve been driving around in for two days, looking for all the things you lost.
Our HOST looks perplexed.
JONAS: (cont’d) BOOM! Enlightenment! Here is what I know: meditation takes too long. Bliss through perfected exhaustion is much faster.
HOST: How do you know it works?
JONAS: (beaming) Isn’t it obvious?
HOST: So your method takes less time?
JONAS: Time?? What is time? It’s non-linear, only our interpretation of it is linear. You learn this in chapter three of the handbook.
HOST: What does that mean exactly?
JONAS: It means that right now I’m still home taking my morning shower. And somewhere else, the 2012 Houston Astros just won the World Series.
HOST: They did?
JONAS: And I just caught a home run ball.
HOST: All that from lack of sleep?
JONAS: And that’s not all. I’m watching Gone with the Wind on the back of my eyelids.
HOST: Hmm…Well, after reading your book I can tell this has been a very deep experience for you. Has it been hard to walk this path?
JONAS: It has been said that you don’t walk in the path, the path walks in you. Which probably explains why I feel a little bit like dirty socks.
HOST: What!?
JONAS: Nah, the path is cool. Whatever.
HOST: Fine. Do you have other recommendations you’d like to share from the handbook?
JONAS: Exceptionally loud Led Zeppelin from two to five in the morning zaps that useless biological urge to sleep. I find it quite inspiring.
HOST: How do your neighbors feel about that?
JONAS: Less inspired. But we’re working on it.
HOST: You say your method can improve the world. Can you give us an example?
JONAS: To improve the world we must think compassionately about how what we do affects others.
(beat)
Look, if I slept, I wouldn’t be tired. And if I wasn’t so freaking tired, I wouldn’t need coffee, right? So if I opted for sleep, it could put millions of coffee growers all over the world out of work. Where is the compassion in that?
HOST: I hadn’t thought about it that way.
JONAS: Most people wouldn’t. It’s the downfall of civilization. But my method works with that kind of narrow thought process.
HOST: Really?
JONAS: Of course. When you’re exhausted, you just can’t think straight and that’s exactly what is needed. Linear, cause and effect thinking? It’s useless in the twenty-first century. It’s the circular thinking, the zigzag noodles of thought that provide true entrée into the mystery that we call life.
HOST: I guess I can see that.
JONAS: No, no you can’t, because you…
HOST: …Yeah, yeah, sleep too much.
(beat)
Well, some critics say your method has side effects. Can you respond to that?
JONAS: Look, sleep deprivation is a shortcut. So your mother may not recognize you after a few days. YOU may not recognize you after a few days.
(beat)
…As above, so below: everything has some downside, people! But sleep deprivation is a God-given right! (As long as you can afford to continually top off your caffeine levels.)
HOST: But research has pointed out that lack of sleep affects judgment.
JONAS: I certainly hope so. You think most people are acting rationally these days? Just look around.
HOST: There have been reports of impaired driving ability.
JONAS: With that I’d have to agree. My followers do to tend to get a lot of tickets. Because when you’re really exhausted, red lights (to be fair) look a bit like orange, which (to be fair) sometimes look a bit like green.
HOST: So you admit there may be an issue?
JONAS: Yes and no. Traffic-school wise, yes. But every student of enlightenment knows that to discriminate is not right thinking. So who am I discriminate between red and green anyway?
HOST: That’s crazy! It’s dangerous!
JONAS: Absolutely not!
(beat)
Well, maybe. But say you have a fender bender? If you’re sleep deprived you probably won’t even feel it. Easy come easy go, BOOM! Enlightenment!
HOST: Okay, finally: can you summarize for us the main, long term benefit if, in order to gain enlightenment, the world just doesn’t sleep?
JONAS: You don’t have to change the sheets on the bed very often. Think of how much water that will save the planet.
(He yawns)
Hey, gotta go, nap time!
He stands up unsteadily.
JONAS (cont’d): Nah, just kidding…
He turns and walks into a wall.
***end***
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