Hard Day?
Maybe this will help, or maybe it won’t. But either way you’ll get your money’s worth.
Is the speed of light impatient or what??
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I just now received my diploma from the “College of the Criminally Contented.” Succeeding was all about expectations: you set your bar low – I steal shoelaces. But I have most of China’s.
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My friend yelled, “Head’s up!” And I yelled back, “What’s it doing up there?” He’s such a nut…
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The first thing I usually do on Mondays is wish it wasn’t one.
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Wait. I don’t have to? #WhyIWrite
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Dear Trump,
I believe everything you say.
Except when you use words
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Everyone says Fridays are a great day to take off early, but I’m not a pilot, so now I’m waiting on bail.
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It’s not even Halloween yet, and I ate too much candy. But only for a second.
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In the fall, do pumpkins and turkeys share the same dark dreams?
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Halloween is such nice holiday. You get to sit back and feed the kids. To monsters.
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I will not be topped. My neighbor had triplets Halloween morning, but I got five pumpkins (that’s quintumpkins). And I cut all their heads off.
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I met a con man once. He told me to look him up at a political convention. When I got there, he was everybody.
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Saw a sign that said, “no fires within 200 feet.” But I couldn’t get mine any higher than 75.
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Men of action draw lines in the sand. Women of action make sure men never learn how to draw.
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I got a cactus. I keep it in a pizza box. That way if I’m hungry in the middle of the night, I still stay on my diet.
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I tried to compete with a bird. But….the fucking WINGS, you know?
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If you open a fire hydrant and fish come out, does that mean if you swim in the ocean you’ll catch fire?
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I’m an expert at comparison. But probably not as good as you.
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Cats with claws are dangerous. Cats without claws are feather dusters.
I really needed to reduce the anxiety in my bedroom. So I hired someone else to sleep in it.
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I wanted to be more efficient about getting to work, so I built a sliding ramp from my bedroom to the bathroom. The bathroom in my office.
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I posses a fair amount of doubt. I also posses a toaster. But I can’t make anything that tastes good out of doubt.
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I like to fingerpaint – but I use housepaint – it’s so homey.
It’s embarrassing when people beg right in front of you. That’s why I always fax mine.
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The weather is so bad in my neighborhood I jog inside, up and down the hall. It’s not long, so I see a lot of the same stuff, but I can always find my way home.
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I invented a kissing machine. It was dangerous, it wouldn’t stop. I sold it for a LOT of money.
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I was going to completely reduce my carbon footprint until I found out that suicide is frowned upon.
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The purpose of clams is to be available to those people who misspell calm — and are hungrier.
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