Wow. Where to start? How about this: If I only knew then, what I know now… Well, it’d just be some other damn thing I wouldn’t know now.
But maybe I can help you out anyway.
Dealing with our fears is the purpose of life, isn’t it? To move past our limitations, to conquer our fear. All the self-help books I’ve read say I can be anything if I just move beyond my fears. I mean, according to these experts, whatever you are most terrified of, apparently that’s the main thing to tackle. Like piranhas: the only way you get past that is just to put your hand in the tank, people – so take a moment and do that now. I’ll wait.
By way of full disclosure, I really am kind of afraid of everything – starting with fingernail polish. Do I use fingernail polish? No. I don’t even know how to use it, but it’s the very mystery of how it might be used that scares the bejeezus outta me – especially the burgundy colored bottles.
But look, I once had a guidance counselor who didn’t. So that’s why I’m here. To bare my soul, so you, hopefully, can have a good life. But I’m not perfect, that’s for sure. And you can tell I’m not perfect because I’m not dead yet. In fact, I feel that as long as you still have work to do in this life, your time’s not up. That’s why I never do all the laundry.
But fear? Fear makes you timid – it holds you back. You need to assert yourself in the world. My mother says I’m not assertive enough. But my buddy says I’m too stressed out. So I started taking Combat Yoga, and now I think things are starting to fall into place. But I’m not sure. (About anything.) Except that I’m sure about not being sure. (Thank God I have something to hold on to.)
I mean how sure can a person really be about anything? I mean, we make up stories about the past, and no one has any idea what’s going to happen in the future. Ha! The future? What a crazy idea – as if I’ll ever live to see it. Oh wait…that moment? A second ago? Now it’s in the past, so I must be in the future now, right!? Awesome! I’ve finally made it somewhere in my life!
Invisible high-five, bud!
Whatever it is, the future certainly isn’t what it used to be, as they say. I met a fortune-teller once. She told me my future before I asked her to, so I requested a refund before I paid her. But when it was over, I was just back where I had started. Square one. Back to zero.
Hey! Ones and zeros! That’s binary. On and off. Mostly I’m off. Off-kilter, off-base, off-putting, and off the meds (but no one knows about that yet….).
Take love (but not all of it, please, that would be unfair). It’s totally wild, and definitely something to be fearful of. I had a relationship once where I fell head over heels over head over heels. Then I realized my date had pushed me off a cliff. But eventually, I met a girl by hanging out in puppy rescue facilities (yeah, maybe I feel kinda low about that now), but it was tough: she said she didn’t want to go too fast, so I put a parachute on the back of my car. This caused all sorts of problems I simply could not have foreseen that you just can’t imagine.
Yeah, cars… Vehicles have always fascinated me. Like on the freeway, they have that sign that says HOV ONLY. I mean, how many hoverboards can do 85? Anyway, look, my car has always been a problem. I once tried to fix my windshield with a screwdriver. But I couldn’t do a damn thing with it until I got out of the fast lane.
And my battery died outside the Olympic Stadium, so I asked for a jump. (Well, you know what I got…) In the end, it was hopeless. Finally, my mechanic said, “This car has to be replaced.” And I said, ”Yeah, Dave? By who?”
I digress…we were talking love, weren’t we? So love is about building relationships, and if you do it successfully (I’m guessing – no first hand experience here) you end up together as a team in the building of home and hearth. And thank goodness for that team thing, because women are so much better at hearth. In fact, they are better at most things. And they know so much about SO much…
For instance, I used way too much dishwashing soap. And my hair didn’t feel any cleaner, at all. Women know why that is.
And I’ll easily admit I don’t really know anything about hearth. I mean, I grew up with just one simple domestic household adage that said: Cats with claws are dangerous. And cats without claws are furniture dusters. And it took a very special relationship for me to see just how wrong I was about cats being dangerous.
But cats can be a bit crazy. Mine is insane. But all animals are a bit crazy, I guess. My cat bites me when I feed him, and nuzzles me when I don’t. So now I wear boxing gloves while I spread cat food on my pant legs. It’s the only way he doesn’t starve.
Yeah, animals are nuts. And squirrels go crazy for nuts. I saw a squirrel take down an adult St. Bernard, and haul him back up a twenty-foot tree. Superb upper body strength on that squirrel. One tough squirrel for sure. (I think he was from Texas, probably why…) And this other time, I caught a water buffalo with a brick (to tell you the truth, I didn’t know my aim was that good).
But really, I like animals, I do, but you have to have some balance in the world. For instance, in my neighborhood, there are just too many dogs. And like I said, my cat is insane. So I tied his cat scratch pole to a fire hydrant hoping one problem would take care of the other. But it didn’t. All I got was a ticket. The cop asked me for my identification, and I said I dunno…Buddhist?
Identity is so confusing anyway. For instance, I identify as “wealthy,” but that didn’t work at the bank.
But here is something you can use: this one time at the bank, the line was horrible, and when I complained, the teller told me to keep my shirt on. But I found if I took mine off, the line got much shorter. So just remember, I am always looking out for you – and that’s because you scare me to death.
Oh darn, water’s boiling, gotta go! If I don’t get it right now, it’ll probably burn the house down. (I did this once before, so it’s not really an irrational caution.)
Anyway, I’m pretty much terrified of what will happen if I don’t finish “Freedom Through Fear,” for you, so I’ll be back again later on to end it.
(No, not: “End it,” like that; don’t be so dark) but on paper, pixel…(whatever)…to:
You know, end the story, tie it all up, get all the worms back into the cans I opened (which is an actual job by the way, and pays not too poorly – look it up…)
Geez, I got distracted again – I REALLY have to go…
Hasta Pasta!
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