Good afternoon class –
Today’s topic is coasters. I know that’s not what it says in your book, but this has come up suddenly as the topic du jour, so I thought we would spend some time on it.
To refresh, coasters are those little pieces of cork, or cardboard that you put your drinks on.
Right. As if it were only so straightforward…
Coasters appear to be such simple objects, yet they hide within them far deeper meaning, and an importance beyond what all might reasonably expect. But I am getting ahead of myself. And surely I must be, because that guy ahead of me looks like me. So obviously we should take a step back…
What are coasters, really? Do they protect the table from you, or you from the table? Sure, you can put your drinks upon them (and coasters are clearly independent minded as they, as a rule, do not discriminate as to whether said drink is hot or cold), but did you know you could also use them to hold your spot or to meet your future spouse? Or both? As in, “Excuse me, but the little round green Guinness coaster there on the couch next to you? It’s mine. I’ll have to ask you to move over just a teeny tad. And what did you say your name was again…?”
How many marriages have been consummated through this ancient (but almost unheard of these days) mating ritual? I would be hard pressed to guess. It’s been going on since the Greeks, for God’s sake. But armed with this one stupid trick (as in the “I lost all this weight with this one stupid trick” thing you’ve seen on TV – only this one is real…) you will be one step ahead of all your peers when it comes to the procreation race.
Didn’t know it was a race?
Most don’t.
Procreation is race. That’s why it’s important to pace yourself when attempting to procreate. And to wear good shoes, clean socks, and have blister treatment available at all times. Trust me on this; I know of what I speak.
To continue: coasters are best obtained in the round formation. There are square ones to be had, but really, how many square glasses do you own? These square abominations were obviously invented by a male with a taste for obstinate contrariness. If you know of such a person in your life, you should report them to the authorities immediately. Their lines will be busy, but keep trying; it’s the only way we move forward as a society.
Now, the main function of coasters, as some would have you believe, is to keep you from ruining the furniture, but did you know that some of the marks you see on your coffee table are really alien crop circles? THIS is just another one of the true secrets about coasters: they were originally made and promoted to obscure the very proof of aliens among us. “They” think we’re not ready for the truth, but I say we are, in fact, totally not ready for the truth. What do they know? (And I’m not just being argumentative here.)
And another thing – coasters also keep your beer from sliding off the table if the earth suddenly shifts its axis. Don’t laugh: it’s happened. Ask the Japanese.
What other uses for coasters? They make delightful windchimes! Who doesn’t like the gentle swaying sound of cork banging against cork on a starlit evening? Or as substitutes for the buns of (some yet unnamed) fast food franchises?
But the most obvious use for coasters? For use in playing darts, of course!
Your aim has to be pretty darn good to nail the bulls eye on a coaster at 45 feet. That’s why the US Olympic Dart Throwing Team uses them for training at their Colorado facility; they just can’t get enough of them. In fact, coasters are so important to the teams success, that in the six months leading up to the Olympic games themselves, there is a massive uptick in crop circle sightings in Aspen. This has left various authorities uncomfortable, but a win is a win, so they just let it slide (but not off the table, if you get my drift).
Other things to know: a sailor once survived 43 days at sea clinging to 300 or so coasters he had managed to stuff inside his clothes at whatever drunken party he had been at before he fell overboard. We are convinced this may be a record, but are not sure… (we will update as information becomes available.)
And you might not know this, but coasters were not always flat.
Coasters are made up of cork after all, and for centuries cork has been used for wine bottles and the like. The earliest known artifact of a coaster plainly shows how far the concept had yet to evolve. There is a painting on a Peloponnesian vase depicting the (very, very patient) individual that had managed to balance his drink on the first, little, “bottle-cork” coaster. But it was only one guy, and no other records remain. Nothing at all, not for several thousand years. The Dark Age of coasters. So it just goes to show how important R&D is in the final delivery of a civilization-changing concept.
Coasters went to the moon, did you know that? (What do you think they put their Tang on?) And the word is that coasters were buried with Jimmy Hoffa (that was an act of grace, if you ask me….)
Phonograph records were originally recorded on coasters before moving on to the far inferior quality (but better cost efficiency) of the vinyl we use today.
And now, warming to my theme, I’d get hot…so instead, we will continue with our cool, neutral, and detached analysis.
WTF COASTERS!
In the original Star Trek TV series, in the transporter room? The things that made people (and other stuff) turn all shimmery and disappear? Yes! Coasters, right there at the bottom of their feet (or whatever).
Abraham Lincoln had his sarsaparilla spritzer delicately perched on one of the still un-evolved coasters when his train took a lurch on the way to Gettysburg, spilling brown bubbly water all over his speech. Historians everywhere agree that his second version, hastily written on a napkin, is by far the better nation-unifying speech. The speech would have been longer, but he used the other napkins to get the brown crap off his shirt.
Coasters have literally outwitted the tests of time…
Impressions of them have been found at Stonehenge and in Mayan temples. And crude ones were recently uncovered in the hands of skeletons of some of the earliest human remains yet found in Africa.
Yes, they are so very, very ancient. And yet…they are often quite forward looking. For instance, coasters are gender- neutral, discriminating against neither female, nor male (and what some people think approximates male humans, politically speaking). Thus they have been since the twelfth century, when coasters were first recognized as symbols of justice. Indeed, coasters have been woven into Spanish tapestries, and the songs of Elizabethan England: “Oh! Hi-ho, and the merry o’ co-co-coasters!”
In 1776, American colonists secretly passed coasters among themselves as an homage to their deeper Freemason ties. Sadly, more than one courageous patriot was hung by the British for refusing to divulge the secret source of the hated coasters. (FYI: it was a bar…so never say that history doesn’t have a sense of humor.)
Somewhat more recently, it was discovered that most people don’t know that it was only by covertly shoving stacks of coasters around the wheels of President Roosevelt’s wheelchair that Winston Churchill was able to trap him into providing equipment for the British during WWII.
And before dogs could catch Frisbees, they were taught to catch coasters. And before they were taught to actually catch the coasters, they were given the scent. This is how search and rescue works. It is almost always successful, except in the aforementioned case of the missing sailor (the coasters were too full of salt water to retain their natural musk, unfortunately).
Coasters have an edge.
Actually, I guess they don’t, being round and all, but they do have an edge in predicting the future. Once, I was trying to decide whether I should go out with this girl, so I flipped a coaster. But this particular coaster didn’t happen to have anything on it, so basically both sides were heads. And I never bet on heads, so I never got the date. And the coaster predicted this very outcome! Furthermore, I once had a Ouija Board that I could swear was made out of cork, so Ouijas and coasters are related, right? Maybe that’s what’s going on. I dunno. Whatever it is, it clearly works.
I once found a coaster lying in the street. It had a phone number on it. I called it and someone answered. Is that not a miracle or what?
And some people fish with Coasters!
Yes, true. Tied to their fishing lines, bobbing along the surface, all Miller Lite coaster, shining in the sun, waiting for a stupid Rainbow Trout or something to hit. How this is allowed is beyond me. I mean by now, cultures the world over recognize the spiritual (let alone the practical) importance of the coaster to some degree or other, so fishing with coasters?? It simply should not be legal. Or if it has to be allowed, at least make people take a class, like they do for gun ownership, or Lamaze water birthing. Given the inherent majesty and mysterious power of the coaster, this only makes sense, don’t you agree?
Picasso originally produced an absolute revolution in art with his roundist approach, but in a drunken fit, he cut all the rounded parts of the coaster off, and of course we were left with the “very square” cubist legacy. Who knows how famous he could have been if only round had prevailed? It goes to show that just because the Coaster Divine touches one’s life with Grace, there is no accounting for ignorance (or drunken fits).
You have been warned.
But in truth, coasters are your friends. They bear no malice, and will just sit there and listen to anything you need to get off your chest in a totally non-judgmental way. They are cheaper than a therapist, (generally more understandable) and can be washed with soap and warm water. My last two therapists did not like soap and warm water, but I have made SO very much progress on my own anyway, with just my coasters (I have about 1300), a blue lava lamp and a Magic Eight-Ball. It’s not AMA-approved therapy, but who cares? I can sleep again at night. Which brings us to full circle (like a circular…you know, coaster?) to this:
Life is short.
Coasters are round.
The mystery we live in is a cycle.
Coasters are round.
There is no beginning, nor is there an end to coasters. Most coasters are “as above, so below” (unless one side has a catchy brand name and the other side doesn’t). And…
Coasters are round.
What goes around comes around, but only if it’s round.
Like a coaster.
I rest my drink. (I mean, my case…)
Class dismissed.
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